VENTING

So after a chilly night at the Fall Festival I have come to a conclusion! Seeing adorable babies in adorable costumes and pregnant women galore....does not help me. At all! I did catch myself several different times this evening starring at babies and mothers pushing strollers. As my heart desires more than anything to get to push a stroller again or carry a baby of my own in my arms.

I love being a mom more than anything in this world! I love being Tristen's mom! We had such a good time playing games, eating candy, bouncing in bounce houses, riding horses and eating of course. I will post pictures soon.

With all of that being said I came home tonight and decided to start researching IVF. Lets just say I have lots of questions, fears and concerns. I don't meet with my doctor until Monday for my post opt check-up. I will have more of a idea of where to go from here and who to see. Until then I had to do some research of my own.

After researching and reading for several hours I think I might just go dip in to T's candy bag. I think my questions just grew by the thousands. I can't even understand half the crap I just read. Seriously thinking I may need a class in IVF lingo!

I think there is a chance I might not be able to sleep tonight. I might not be able to turn off my mind...at this point it's in overload mode.

How much will this cost?

I just read on one doctors site roughly $20,000! And this isn't guaranteed people!

Will we be able to afford this realistically?

How soon can we start the process?

What does IVF entail?

I had know idea....test all kinds of test. Hormone shots. Egg retrieval. Sperm retrieval...I'm a little worried about this part. I don't know how excited Matt is going to be about doing his business in the doctor's office...if you know what I mean.

Can I emotionally go through all of this knowing there is that chance it might not work?

Should I just give up my dream of having more children?

Will Tristen be a only child for the rest of his life?

What things will we sacrifice to make this happen?

Why is this the road I have to go down?

Why can people on welfare and illegal immigrants pop out babies like skittles and I have to support them? When I can't even afford to have another child myself!

And the list could go on and on!

Now that I vented a little, ate 2 Twinkies, drank 2 bottles of water I'm starting to FEEL A LITTLE BETTER AND a little sleepy.

BEFORE I HEAD TO BED I MUST say tonight was a little bitter sweet for me. This time last year I went to the Fall Festival 8 weeks pregnant. I had already begun dreaming of a future with a new addition to our FAMILY. I LEFT THAT NIGHT WITH STABBING PAINS ON MY RIGHT SIDE THAT LITERALLY TOOK ME TO MY KNEES. I HEADED HOME TOOK A HOT BATH AND DRANK SOME HOT TEA. LITTLE DID I KNOW THOSE DREAMS WOULD BE CRUSHED IN JUST A FEW DAYS. AS I SIT HERE TONIGHT AND LOOK BACK ON WHAT I'VE ENDURED THE LAST YEAR...ITS PRETTY UNBELIEVABLE TO ME. GOD HAS BLESSED ME WITH AMAZING FRIENDS AND FAMILY....AND ONE CHARMING LITTLE BOY! THERE IS NO WAY I COULD DO IT WITHOUT THEM. I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD FEELING THEY'LL BE MY BACKBONE TO THIS JOURNEY WERE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON.

SO CHEERS TO EGG RETRIEVAL, MORE TEARS AND NEW POSSIBILITIES!

Not "cracking" up

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the Kings horses and All the Kings men

couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again....

AND neither could mommy!

So Tristen came home today with Humpty Dumpty...

All week at school they have been learning different Nursery Rhymes. So today they tested out Humpty Dumpty. Yes there was a real egg in that bag too! No I did not realize it until it was too late!

Tristen's Humpty Dumpty with stood the fall from the ladder today at school. Yes you heard that correctly. Tristen's teacher is simply an amazing teacher. She let the kids stand on a ladder and drop their Humpty Dumpy from a ladder to see if he would break.

Well since Humpty Dumpty was still alive in the bag. Tristen couldn't wait to get him out and show me. Before I could get the words out Humpty Dumpty died a quick death. All over Tristen's jeans, converse, socks and my chair cushions.

Lets just say I had a few choice words for Humpty Dumpty!

Oh God why me?

The last thing I wanted to be doing was cleaning up raw egg in the playroom.

And consoling my child over...yes you guessed it! A raw egg!

Tristen was completely devastated over Humpty Dumpty's death.

After crying for at least 30 minutes we decided to replace Humpty with a plastic Easter egg.

I also replaced a healthy home cooked meal for dinner with a frozen pizza.

Then we headed outside for a therapeutic walk around the block.

We are all recovering well after such a dramatic event!

one week ago

Well this time last week....I had only been home from the hospital a few hours after having surgery. Very pale I was. Still drugged up from the anesthia and pain meds. Blood pressure and heart rate low enough to worry my husband and panic my mom.

Surgery Day:

I had to be at the hospital at 11:30 am. We slept in till the sun awoke us. I'm not going to lie that is pretty normal for Tristen and I. The boys got up showered and dressed. I sent them out to go eat breakfast. It would have been pure torture for me to watch them eat. After 11:59 pm the night before I couldn't have anything to eat or drink until after my surgery. I was already convinced by 10am that I was dying from starvation. I absolutely love food. You better believe I ate all the way up until I could the night before but it still didn't help.

My mom came over and picked T up to take him to school. At the same time we headed to the hospital. Ewe...I was not looking forward to this! It was a fairly quiet time on our way there. Matt drove in silence while I distracted myself with checking my Facebook.

Before I could even get in the door of the hospital there was a familiar face awaiting me. Debbie a close family friend had beat us there. I checked in at registration and was told to go ahead upstairs.

They didn't waste anytime once I got up there. They showed me my room and had me put on my hospital gown immediately. Seriously...why are hospital gowns so hideous? They don't let you wear any make-up and no jewelery as it is. Geez! I know this isn't a fashion show or anything but could they make it any worse on you.

Within 30 Min's my room was filled with family and friends...My best friend Kelly, my amazing husband, my parents, my brother, my mother-in-law, Debbie, Courtney, and Margarita all family friends, and Pastor Parkey. We talked and laugh as we waited for the time to arrive. Before they came to take me to the Anesthesiologist everyone grabbed hands and prayed over me. Matt and I are so blessed to have all these amazing people in our lives. I left that room with tears rolling down my face and a great sense of peace.

I waited in the pre-surgery room for close to an hour. While my family and friends waited for the call that I was headed into surgery. At close to 2:30 pm Matt got that call. The last thing I remember is being pushed into the operating room and thinking "this looks nothing like Grey's Anatomy!"

I woke up in Recovery with great pain on my right side. I had a Laproscopy procedure. I had 3 incisions...one in my belly button and 2 on my lower stomach. One on the right side and one on the left. I woke up asking for pain medication. At that time I couldn't have any yet. They were having a hard time getting my heart rate up and ended up giving me drugs to do so. I found out later my heart rate was in the 30's before they got it back up. My blood pressure also low. They took it about 50 times...no I'm not exaggerating either. It was 40/80 for a good while.

There is more to the story. Ill finish in the morning.

Not feeling so sassy

I'm not sure where to begin....I'm feeling a little tired, under the weather and not so sassy at all. As most of you didn't know till Monday that I was pregnant. As our journey to add to our family has been a long long disappointing road. We have been trying for 3 years as most of you know. For the rest of you guys I'll give you a little background. I have had 3 miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancies in the last 3 years. Last November I suffered from my first ectopic pregnancy. When my right tube ruptured at 9 weeks pregnant. I was rushed to the emergency room by ambulance. Where I had emergency surgery to take out my right tube and stop the bleeding.

Now fast forward a few weeks ago. I found out I was pregnant for the 5th time since having Tristen. I thought for sure this was it! So we keep it pretty quiet as my history hasn't been good. I went in Monday for a check-up do to some spotting and light pain. Since I had hit the 6 weeks mark they went ahead and did a sonogram. I must say I Hate internal sonograms they are not on my list of favorites. So it takes a while to do the sonogram. There is lots of silence and little clicks on the keyboard. And then you hear this heartbeat.....strong and loud! It amazes me how at 6 weeks a heart is so strong. Of course the tech isn't aloud to gives us any information. So we wait on the doctor for what seems like eternity. Finally we sit down in his office for the news we don't want to hear. I have another ectopic pregnancy. This time it's in my left tube. At this point I'm starring at the doctor in pure disbelief. How can this be? I hate that I'll never get to hold the baby whose heart I just heard beat so loud and strong. That my dreams of becoming a mother again have been crushed by just a few words. He explains that he'll have to do surgery to remove my left tube and ectopic pregnancy. At this point I have tried to compose myself as long as I can. As I slowly fall apart in his office and tears stream down my face. I realize that this means I no longer can conceive naturally. If we want more children we will have to rely on in virto.

I cried myself across the hall to the hospital to begin the pre-opt process. I sit at registration like a zombie as Matt answers most of the questions and signs the paperwork. I send out multiple text messages to friends and family letting them know the circumstances. I called my Dad and cried like a baby...yes I'm still a Daddy's girl. No matter what it is my Dad always gives me a sense of peace.

My mom and Tristen come to the hospital and wait as I'm getting my blood taken and answering more questions.

Finally it's time to leave and of course I'm hungry. So my sweet husband knows the way to my heart. We hop in the car...our family of 3 and head to my favorite restaurant! Abeulos!!!

So for the rest of the evening we forget our worries and enjoy one another. I eat till I can't eat anymore and take the rest home for later.

On our way home we decided we will all help clean the house when we get home. Knowing I would be having surgery the next day. I will be down and out for at least a week. I want to come home to a sparkly clean house. Yes...I know it's a bit crazy. Everyone told me to take it easy but I just couldn't do it. So by 10pm I had a clean house and a warm Pumpkin Spice Latte in hand. I'm so thankful for my girlfriend Sarah who came by to pray for me and brought Starbucks!

My parents also made a late visit to pray over me too!

Sorry for such a long post. I hope your retina's aren;t bleeding.

I'll post more about Surgery later.

Oh Sunday's

Oh how I love Sunday's!!!

Early morning peace as I get ready for church as my boys sleep soundly.

Snuggling sweet babies in the nursery.

Stuffing my face with Uncle Julios...oh there is nothing better tasting. (yes..I did break the eating habits today but I just couldn't resist! Homemade flour tortillias with butter...can't be denied)

Sunday afternoon nap

Waking up to my sweet husband telling T not to wake mommy...I had been asleep for 2 hours

Oh how I love that man!!! He is so good to me!!!

Snuggled in bed with my boys watching the cowboys...not a better way to end the day!

Day 2 and 3...it's getting easier

I haven't caved yet! I wanted to many times....

Day 2
Breakfast:Vanilla yogurt with fresh blueberries and organic vanillia/almond granola
Lunch: bannana, snack bag of baby carrots and roasted garlic hummus with pretzel crisp
Dinner: fish tacos...they are amazing! I'll leave the recipe below.

Only water...lots of water

I must say at the end of Day 2 I was wanting "real food" bad!! I hate McDonalds but I wanted a double cheeseburger, frys and a large coke! I didn't do it.

Day 3
Breakfast: Vanilla yogurt with fresh blueberries and organic vanillia/almond granola
Lunch: apple, snack bag of baby carrots, tuna-to-go
THis was hard!!! We went on a picnic with Tristen's class after a field trip to the Apple Orchard. Everyone was drinking soda, eating chips and cookies....pure torture!!! So I did have a few mini pringles from T's lunch.
Afternoon snack: steamed broccolli
Dinner: 2 cups of homemade chilli...I normally eat...oh 2 full bowls

Grilled Fish Taco's

Matt absoultly loves these! I got this recipe out of a grilling magazine. It's very easy to make and there isn't a lot of prep time at all.

Taco's

1/2 pound frozen mild white fish, thawed

1 tbs butter

1 package of taco seasoning

1/2 cup sour cream

2 tbs milk

8 soft corn tortilla

1 cup of cheese

Toppings

shredded coleslaw

chopped tomatoes

chopped alvacados

1. Place fish on heavy duty foil. Brush with melted butter; sprinkle with 2 tbs taco seasonings, turn to coat.

2. Grill fish 10-12 mins or till fish flakes easily.

3. Meanwhile, combine sourcream, milk and remaining taco seasoningin small bowl. Heat taco shells .

4. To serve, cut fish into bite size pieces; place into taco shell. Sprinkle with cheese; add toppings, as desired.Drizzle with sour cream mixture.

Enjoy!

Put down the signs

Finally back blogging world!! Oh how I've missed you! These last few weeks have been down right crazy around The Moseley house. It is starting calm down just a bit. I have so many things to catch you up on. First things first ....the strike is over! If you have no idea as to what that means let me give you a quick explanation. We are on year 2 month 9 of trying to make a baby. Yes we have succeed 4 times but all ended in miscarraige. After each miscarriage I normally go on strike! Yes you can laugh! I get so tired of being all healthy and taking 2 handfuls of pills everyday. So I stop taking my vitamins and start shoving handfuls of raw cookie dough down my throat. So I've decided that all that cookie dough is probably not that great for the health and really not good for the backside. With all of that being said yesterday was Day 1 of the lifestyle change. I'm going to try my hardest to not drink caffine...yes I'm a little worried Starbucks and Sonic might go under without my daily contribution. I'm already missing my White Chocolate Mocha and Vanilla Dr.Pepper :( I'm going to avoid all processed foods and stick to eating fresh fruits and vegetables. No..I'm not doing this in hopes of lossing weight. I am very happy with my weight. It just needs to be toned up a bit. As I have slacked off and haven't worked out in 2 months. I am doing this in hopes of having more energy, having a healthier body inside and out and changing my families eating habits. I'm going to blog everyday what I eat to keep myself accountable. Soon enough it will be a lifestyle and I won't have to worry about it anymore.

Day 1

Breakfast:1 cup vanilla yogurt w/ a handful of fresh blueberries and organic almond vanilla granola

Lunch: 2 cups steamed brocolli and a handful of cherry tomatoes

*Tristen ate the same thing for breakfast and lunch. He has always been a good eater because I never gave him another choice.

Afternoon snack: snack bag of baby carrots, 1 graham cracker with peanut butter (YesI know graham crakers are processed...I said I would TRy).

Dinner: Salad and lots of salad, I picked the brocolli out of the chicken alfredo and took a few bites of the bow tie pasta. At this point of the day I was literally starving for real food but I did not give in!

Bedtime snack: Tristen and I shared 2 peaches...they were so sweet and yummy! 2 more cups of steamed brocolli. If you haven't noticed yet...I love brocolli!

Lots of water!!!

I did end the day with a pounding headache as my body was going in shock without it's daily coffee and sugar.

Whew!!!! Day 1 down many many more to go!