VENTING

So after a chilly night at the Fall Festival I have come to a conclusion! Seeing adorable babies in adorable costumes and pregnant women galore....does not help me. At all! I did catch myself several different times this evening starring at babies and mothers pushing strollers. As my heart desires more than anything to get to push a stroller again or carry a baby of my own in my arms.

I love being a mom more than anything in this world! I love being Tristen's mom! We had such a good time playing games, eating candy, bouncing in bounce houses, riding horses and eating of course. I will post pictures soon.

With all of that being said I came home tonight and decided to start researching IVF. Lets just say I have lots of questions, fears and concerns. I don't meet with my doctor until Monday for my post opt check-up. I will have more of a idea of where to go from here and who to see. Until then I had to do some research of my own.

After researching and reading for several hours I think I might just go dip in to T's candy bag. I think my questions just grew by the thousands. I can't even understand half the crap I just read. Seriously thinking I may need a class in IVF lingo!

I think there is a chance I might not be able to sleep tonight. I might not be able to turn off my mind...at this point it's in overload mode.

How much will this cost?

I just read on one doctors site roughly $20,000! And this isn't guaranteed people!

Will we be able to afford this realistically?

How soon can we start the process?

What does IVF entail?

I had know idea....test all kinds of test. Hormone shots. Egg retrieval. Sperm retrieval...I'm a little worried about this part. I don't know how excited Matt is going to be about doing his business in the doctor's office...if you know what I mean.

Can I emotionally go through all of this knowing there is that chance it might not work?

Should I just give up my dream of having more children?

Will Tristen be a only child for the rest of his life?

What things will we sacrifice to make this happen?

Why is this the road I have to go down?

Why can people on welfare and illegal immigrants pop out babies like skittles and I have to support them? When I can't even afford to have another child myself!

And the list could go on and on!

Now that I vented a little, ate 2 Twinkies, drank 2 bottles of water I'm starting to FEEL A LITTLE BETTER AND a little sleepy.

BEFORE I HEAD TO BED I MUST say tonight was a little bitter sweet for me. This time last year I went to the Fall Festival 8 weeks pregnant. I had already begun dreaming of a future with a new addition to our FAMILY. I LEFT THAT NIGHT WITH STABBING PAINS ON MY RIGHT SIDE THAT LITERALLY TOOK ME TO MY KNEES. I HEADED HOME TOOK A HOT BATH AND DRANK SOME HOT TEA. LITTLE DID I KNOW THOSE DREAMS WOULD BE CRUSHED IN JUST A FEW DAYS. AS I SIT HERE TONIGHT AND LOOK BACK ON WHAT I'VE ENDURED THE LAST YEAR...ITS PRETTY UNBELIEVABLE TO ME. GOD HAS BLESSED ME WITH AMAZING FRIENDS AND FAMILY....AND ONE CHARMING LITTLE BOY! THERE IS NO WAY I COULD DO IT WITHOUT THEM. I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD FEELING THEY'LL BE MY BACKBONE TO THIS JOURNEY WERE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON.

SO CHEERS TO EGG RETRIEVAL, MORE TEARS AND NEW POSSIBILITIES!