A blogging kind of day!

So here it is into the wee hours of the morning and I still can't turn my mind off. After a day like yesterday..even though it in fact was today since I haven't been to bed yet. Ahhhhhhh!!!! Yes, it was one of those days.

Not sure I'm a fan of being blindsided. While working out at the gym I get a phone call letting me know I will no longer be working for Stork vision. That they no longer have the funds to pay me. I did all the marketing targeting OB offices. My salary there paid for T's tuition. It was something I could do from home and bring T along when needed.

So this left me all day pondering the thought of how I was going to make this up in other areas?!?! Since we start paying tuition in August.

I already stay up into the wee hours of the morning at least 3-4 times a week for Sugar Plum. So instead of saving that money for in vitro it will go to T's school. Which is totally fine with me. T's school if worth every penny we pay! Now Sugar Plum is a must not a maybe.

Just putting us further and further away from in vitro.

On days like this it makes just wanna give up on that dream! It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs...knowing I have no control over carrying another child in my womb. It makes me want to punch my computer screen and throw my iPhone after reading another one of my face book friends is expecting. Or another unfit mother is pregnant yet again. Even though she can't keep a job to support the kid she already has. It makes me want to face plant the next person who tells me it will happen when the times right. Shut the F up!!!! This isn't your life or struggle. I don't want to hear about rainbows, butterflies and all other positive BS you have to say. Walk 3 1/2 years in my shoes. Wishing for something you wanted yesterday and everyday before that. Praying on days like this that God would take the desire of wanting more children away. So I don't have to fight back tears when the lady at the playground ask why we don't have more kids? Like that's a choice I've made!

Today I've cried more than I have in a long time. I've been mad the majority of the day and have said more choice words than I can count. That's the raw unedited truth.

So don't judge me when I tell you ...instead of buying 1 new pair of shoes for T for back to school. That I'll probably buy 3 or 4 tomorrow at Nordstroms. Since I only have 1 pair of feet to buy for he might as well have at least 4 choices. This is my way to deal with it....retail therapy. It doesn't heal the heart but it sure distracts it!